The over 40 and lost club – for women who have no idea what they’re doing anymore.

So, I’ve decide to write this blog because to be honest, it’s this or antidepressants and expensive therapy. Sorry about the sad picture, but it seemed appropriate for this post. I'll find something more uplifting or at least humorous next time.

I’m not sure I can even articulate my reasoning very well because it feels so jumbled and confused and at times a bit whiney, but I suppose it’s just a need to talk thing out to gain clarity? Or express it somehow? Or pretend that someone is out there thinking, yeah girl, I hear you. I know exactly what you mean.

Anyway, I seem to have reached this point in life where I just have no idea what is ahead of me or even what should be ahead of me. Life is busy and I have plenty going on and yet I feel completely lost a lot of the time.

It dawned on me recently when I was talking to a friend who is feeling very much the same, that if I live to the age of 90 (being 45 now) I still have 45 years in front of me. So, 45 behind me and 45 in front of me. Any yet…all my life milestones – other than death – also seem to be behind me (at least according to societal norms).

I mean, schooling, university (if that was your path), meeting someone, maybe marrying, maybe having children, careers, big purchases all seem to be in that first 45. And now, as I head into the second 45, the only milestones seem to be that I’ll be desperately trying to pay the wretched mortgage down and maybe taking a holiday at some point. To be honest, it doesn’t seem like nearly enough to look forward to.

Now, before anyone points out the obvious that it’s damn lucky to have a mortgage that has any possibility of being paid down in this market, or that a holiday is a massive luxury that so many never get, I want to say that I totally get it. And, this is one of the main things that is feeding into my misery and lostness (is that a word?).

You see, every time I start to go down the rabbit hole of what next and why am I feeling like this and what do I have to look forward to, I then begin to tell myself off in a rather sharp tone, and remind myself that many have it so much worse and I should be rejoicing and grateful rather than whining about my circumstance – but – I still can’t shake it. And on top of that, I just feel guilty now for not being more positive and grateful. 

I seem to be able to talk myself around after a while with all the things you’re told to do, like focus on gratitude, don’t catastrophize things, look for the good and appreciate what you have, but I literally just find myself circling back to the same thoughts and feelings a few weeks later of being completely adrift in this life.

I should probably say that I don’t write this to give you an answer to some miraculous thing I have found, because I can tell you, I have found no such answer, but I do write this because I feel like one of the reasons for feeling this way is because I’m missing having a community. I have friends, I have colleagues, I even have sisters, but I just need more like-minded women to talk to, share with and hopefully understand.

And if there are no such women, and all are thinking, she sounds awful, then I will take that on board and consider the therapy I was trying to avoid by writing this.

Anyway, I have so many other things I’d like to talk about and share  and get others thoughts on, but I’ll pace myself and see what comes back at me first because honesty isn’t really that easy in this online world and I’m yet to test if I’m tough enough to withstand what might come at me, so here goes.

Thank you for reading this far. I'd love to hear how you're managing - or not managing. Or is it just me?

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